Engaged

I can't stop smiling! It's Christmas and I cant stop smiling because someone just... AHHH not going to talk about it. It is going to stay my secret for now! :-D so happy!

Engagements! Birthday parties! It is so good to be home :-) I have missed it. I just dont fit Colorado like I fit texas... but then again I could never fit texas like I fit California.

Tana Kaye is engaged! :-D Josh asked her! Finally! Her ring is beautiful. Jezze when I talk about it I feel like a 8 year old little girl dreaming about what it would be like to get married and have babies. lol It is so exciting! Dreams come true! fairlytales do exist! broken hearts heal! Tana has shown me that. She asked me to be a Brides maid. Does that mean I have to bring a date? lol I have never been a brides maid before... should be interesting.

Wish me luck?

<3<3<3

I have these two different sides of me- The crazy side that wants to break free and do everything I know I shouldn't and the real side... the side that I am most of the time.

Why is it okay for girls to sleep around? Why does it not matter anymore if your 15 year old daughter is sexually active? Why do people lie about it? Where does it say that cheating on your girlfriend is okay as long as she forgives you for it? Sex. I hate sex. It has been turned into something so meaningless, something so ordinary, something void of anything special. Why?

Tonight my mind is just a little crazy. I have friends away in college and friends that are still in high school and friends who are working and engaged. Friends from all different walks of life doing everything differently than anyone who has gone before. I love people we are all so unique.

I have sexest friends and racist friends. I have friends who lie and friends that cheat. I know girls who walk in shame so deep you'd think they drown in it. I have friends that care and friends who don't. I know guys that drink and some that smoke. I have friends who are gay, some Christians, Catholics, Mormons, followers, musicians, actors, dancers, deceivers, leaders. I know secrets that no one else knows. I have had my expectations met, depleted and exceeded.

I know jealous people. I live in a world chalked full of them. I hate money.

Tonight I am sick of the world. I am tired of lies and ploys. I am tired of thinking I know someone without really knowing them at all.

What has happened to the innocence of childhood? Where did it go and why cant I stay innocent forever? I feel dirty, like I have been apart of all these unclean things, I scrub and I scrub, trying to rid myself of the dirtiness that is all around me but having to come to terms with the fact that my water is just as dirty as everyone elses. I cannot help anyone else be clean if I wash them with dirty water.

But if I have someone else wash me... someone with clean water and then I maintain the cleanliness... well I could help so many people but you understand that just because I wash them doesn't mean it has anything to do with me because I was where they were and it was only because of someone elses cleanliness that I am now clean. I have the power to clean nothing... the only thing I can do is dedicate my hands that have been washed clean by another.

Do you know what happens when you clean someone with clean water? they become clean obviously but your water will become dirty once again. There dirt will affect you and that is why it is supposed to be a constant cleansing.

Well my eyes wont stay open anymore... I guess we will find out tomorrow if any of that made any sense at all.

<3<3<3

A quick video update.

I am listening to the Prosper State game and I needed something to distract me while my stomach tries to settle. The game is tied in the third. So intense.

Am I crazy or falling in love?

Well winter is officially here to stay in Colorado Springs :-) complete with snow white scenery and icy roads. I almost spun out twice today and I was driving 15 its re-dick peeps.

I am babysitting the most adorable little boys right now, Kohen and Korbin and Kohen wont stop grinning at me. He was a hippopotamus for Halloween it was the sweetest thing.

I am knitting a blanket... its coming along quite nicely. It is purple- majestic... yeah dont be jealous.

I watched Pretty Woman last night. I forgot how every time I watch that movie I fall in love with Richard Gear all over again. He is beautiful. the end.

So another NLSW student got engaged. That is 4 engaged now, 5 married, and two new couples. I swear love is in the non-existent air in C.S. ....and me you ask?!?! HAHA Well there is someone but we lead worship together lol so um not such a good idea but he is VERY attractive and he has an incredible voice not to mention he plays guitar AND piano. But I mean we are just friends.... even though I catch him starring at me all the time :-D but nothing will come of it lol its me remember? Even if I live to be one hundred I am forever ruined for every other man that isnt.... well (whispers) "you know who."

I have been doing so well! I havent been talking about him or thinking about him--- AT ALL! It has been amazing.... really. I dont need a relationship right now. I am fine by myself. I am a big girl, living on her own and making big girl choices... arent you proud? haha No, really I dont need to fall in love right now, I dont want to. Its the last thing I want... been there, done that, broken heart achieved, I have the membership to prove it. Men only complicate things and if I need anything- it is less complications, altho I wouldn't mind the cuddling or the kissing ;-p or the cross word puzzles (its an inside joke) Hangman :-)

I am becoming a brunette again. I am not sure if I remember that girl, she is slowly but surely coming back. I wonder if I could ever be her again... regain some of her innocence? maybe. maybe not.

Its a fact- I hate running.

Its a fact- I am in love with David Archuletas song CRUSH. mmmmmmyeah.

Its a fact- ordering virgin drinks is so much better then alcohol. :-) oh date night

Its a fact- Belly button rings are only amusing for so long. Yes I took it out and am looking forward to the massively ugly scar. haha

Its a fact- Biting your nails is really a bad habit...maybe I should quit...

Its a fact- You can be charged over two hundred dollars in overdraft fees in less then two days... dont ask haha

Its a fact- Razor phones are indestructible.

Its a fact- Jared Anderson does have a sense of humor.

Its a fact- three girl+one bathroom= confrontation.

Its a fact- real Christmas trees are better

Its a fact- boys really never grow up... they just grow facial hair.

Its a fact- I can live without Zuzu Ford I just dont want to

Its a fact- the bible is so much cooler when you have a relationship with its author

Its a fact- two rights can and will make a wrong

Its a fact- babies can and will laugh at everything and nothing

Its a fact- Harmony is not complete without the melody even though melody does not need harmony to survive.

Its a fact- slobbery kisses are the best kind

Its a fact- I will never be good at playing a video game guitar

Its a fact- Taylor Swift is brilliant.

Its a fact- I hate endings.

All I want

It snowed yesterday. The entire city was white. It made me ache for family, Christmas and a warm fire but I I received none.

EH! Stop Brittany! Stop! Stop! STOP!

Why do I have to talk about it? Why does it come up everyday! I dont want to help anyone else! I cant even help myself! Jesus Jesus Jesus. Its so hard. Its so hard.

I dont want to complain I dont want to complain I dont want to complain


...is saying I miss him and love him and want him complaining?

How thoroughly someone can invade every part of you without stepping foot inside for over two years.

How completely it can devestate.

I am happy I really am but I just want him to be saved already.

Please Jesus.

Please.
Its all that I want.

I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool.

It's raining. No, not raining...pouring.

I love the world when its like this. All gloom, doom and wet. It makes me happy.

Is that weird? How sunshine is nice but rain and clouds are what I really love. It does something to my heart, makes it beat faster, harder. It excites me. Part of me wants to run around in it, get soaked to the skin and come inside, dripping and cold, stripping as I go, laying out in front of the fire watching the drops evaporate.

The other part of me wants to bundle up, go sit under the porch covering with my guitar and a cup of sleepy time.

Have I mentioned that I love the rain? ;-)

Life is good. God is good. I am happy. MY friend Liv and I are going to start playing acoustic sets in coffee shops. Jealous?... I would be too.

Have any song suggestions? I would be happy to oblige.

I want to write a song so badly but I dont want to write one about him. I'm afraid to think about it. I'm afraid to write about it, to talk about it. I am afraid of the possibility of never seeing or hearing from him again. I didn't mean ever again... I just meant for now... however long now is.

I still am absolutely sure that it was right. I was being a hindrance, a security blanket and that's what he is for me... safe. known.

The rain is pounding against my window begging to be let in. The drops are rolling faster now, unable to hold onto the slippery glass any longer. Kind of like my control... its slipping further and further away from me. faster and faster. Its a good thing though. I cant afford to be in control. I don't want to be. Not anymore.

Oh Lord I'm becoming. It scares me sometimes.

An impromtu photo shoot... jealous?

I got my nose pierced!

Don't ask why... it was a split second decision.

Oh the joys of being a teenager!