I may have failed but I have loved you from the start...

I cant stop thinking about him.

Why?

Why did I have to fall in love with him? There were so many! SO MANY! Why him? Why did he have to be the one I couldnt bare to let get away? I dont want to love him anymore because its hard and dirty and all I want is to rest for a little while. My arms are tired.

You think making him go away would be better? Not having to hear about his girlfriends. Not having to know that he's been with someone else...LOTS of someone elses. I have been with no one! Why? Because I cant even think about being with someone else! I love him! I love him! I love him! I am never going to stop! Get used to it! He was my first so many things and damn it he is going to be my last!

I dont care! I dont care! Try to make me hate you. Fuck them. Love them. Hold them. Kiss them. Wish it was me. Think of me. Love me. Hold me. Kiss me.

I cant fix him.

But I pray that one day he'll wake up and realize what he's missing.

Jesus.

Colorado- Day 1

AHHH! I just a built a table. Day one of living on my own and I already am making steps in the right direction. I didn't even need Connors help! (Clap for me!)

Went to church. The sermon was great and worship was fantastic! I totally stood two feet behind Jon Eagan thats right be jealous. Garrett wanted me to pinch his butt but I refrained seeing as to Mrs. Eagan was standing right there and that would have made things REEEEAAALLLY AWKWARD.

After church I talked with Adam for a bit and then had some awesome leftovers with the McGee's for lunch. We discussed creative writing techniques...mhm Colorado Brittany even has intelligent conversations. Go Figure.

I was going to do a little bit of job hunting today but decided that I could conquer the job world on Monday when everyone is in school and I don't have to fight crowds. See I am even smarter too! :-)

Well, I guess that is all for now. I am really really bored and very sad because I have no Zuzu. ZUZU I MISS YOU!!! COME BACK!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR?!?!

(sigh) Well I guess I will clean my room again.

Things to look foreword too-

Orientation
A walk around the block
New Job
Pinching Jon Eagans buttock when his wife isnt looking
Veggie Soup for dinner
And lots and lots of boredom

call me!

brit

It's not what good girls do...its not how I should behave....

Tonight?

Yes best night ever! Jils post birthday celebration and a surprise video from Zuzu=perfect.

Plus I kissed a girl... ;-)

Or maybe it was two....

teeeheee









Here is a wonderful picture from last night when i spray painted zu's hair red!



And that is about it. I move on Thursday so that's exciting but other than that minor detail life has been pretty boring. Sad but true. Maybe I can stir up some trouble tomorrow at our church dinner... all those good christian people and brittany in a bikini.... something fun is BOUND to happen!

I will keep you posted.

He knows whats best.

Life has been none stop lately, or so it feels like. I cant claim that this will be a happy post, I want it to be but I am in one of "those" moods right now... I find myself on the verge of laughter and on the verge of tears.

Life is so jumbled right now and I am starting to realize that there will never be a point in my life where everything is perfect. I used to think that if I could only reach this certain point, this level of completion, in my life that everything would be perfect and I would be blissfully happy.

I would have my dream husband who I could wake up next to every morning and fall asleep beside every night. I would have a house full of wonderful children who I would love unconditionally and one day grandchildren. I would live a life full of love, treasuring the small things.

Walks. Kisses. Smiles. Laughter. Tears. Macaroni necklaces. Home cooked dinners. Sunsets. Swim parties. Lullaby's. Bare feet. Cotton dresses with pockets. Hats. Silly songs. Hop scotch. Hugs. Races. Tire Swings. Ponds. Tree houses. Diapers. Rocking chairs. Car trips. Potty breaks. Binky's. Cuddles. Warm baths. Staying up till dawn. Over-alls. Books. Music. Dancing around the kitchen. Naked Wednesdays. Plays. Camping trips in the backyard. Skinny dipping. Drinking to much wine. Quite. Mud pies. Making love, making babies, making music, making time, making sense, making millions of memories that will last longer than I am on this earth.

I want to live in the moment and cherish everything, every day, every hour and every minute. I know it wont all be easy. I know that I might cry more than laugh but I am making a vow to myself right now that I will never regret a moment.

It wont all be easy, most of it wont be but where is the fun in a perfect world?

I am going to laugh to loud and smile to much and sing none stop for the rest of my life. I will be joy.

I have come to point in my life where I no longer see like a child. I am not sure that I see things like a woman but I no longer view them threw the rose colored lenses of a child.

I c0me to a point where I am laying my dreams down and giving them to God because ultimately its not my will but His, in ever aspect of my life. He knows whats best.

I held the sweetest baby girl in my arms tonight while she slept and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I could have watched her dream forever.

Good Times.

Sunday we went to see Heather because she has a disease and we wanted to cheer her up! :-) We made her a BIG HUGE card and baked her cup cakes and gave her a purple flower. We are good friends oh yes we are. ;-)

Love my Jil and Zu.

Saturday night was insane!!!!! I wont get into the crazy details but Jil, Zu and I back painted again and than we partied it up at Nicoles PAAARTY! mmmmm


Oh! And I cant forget about the Wal-Mart Trip... unforgettable haha
I am a great shopper!

God Alone

He's yours God.

In Your hands not mine.

I give him to You.

You are the maker of heaven
You turned my world around
Your making all things new again
Through it all I know you are God alone.

Praying

The Lord renews me and fills my soul with compassion.
How can you allow me to look upon them with your eyes?
How can you allow me to love them with your love?
Its overpowering, I cannot get enough.

Wake me in the mornings O God.
Tuck me in at night.
I need your strength Father, I need your reassurance.

Give me Holy dreams.
Dreams of You.

Hold me in Your arms, pressed against Your chest.
Wake me with scriptures and worship songs.

Let me live life in Your presence and die without it.




Psalm 13
A David Psalm
1-2 Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head
long enough. Long enough
I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.

3-4 Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.

5-6 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.