A quick video update.

I am listening to the Prosper State game and I needed something to distract me while my stomach tries to settle. The game is tied in the third. So intense.

Am I crazy or falling in love?

Well winter is officially here to stay in Colorado Springs :-) complete with snow white scenery and icy roads. I almost spun out twice today and I was driving 15 its re-dick peeps.

I am babysitting the most adorable little boys right now, Kohen and Korbin and Kohen wont stop grinning at me. He was a hippopotamus for Halloween it was the sweetest thing.

I am knitting a blanket... its coming along quite nicely. It is purple- majestic... yeah dont be jealous.

I watched Pretty Woman last night. I forgot how every time I watch that movie I fall in love with Richard Gear all over again. He is beautiful. the end.

So another NLSW student got engaged. That is 4 engaged now, 5 married, and two new couples. I swear love is in the non-existent air in C.S. ....and me you ask?!?! HAHA Well there is someone but we lead worship together lol so um not such a good idea but he is VERY attractive and he has an incredible voice not to mention he plays guitar AND piano. But I mean we are just friends.... even though I catch him starring at me all the time :-D but nothing will come of it lol its me remember? Even if I live to be one hundred I am forever ruined for every other man that isnt.... well (whispers) "you know who."

I have been doing so well! I havent been talking about him or thinking about him--- AT ALL! It has been amazing.... really. I dont need a relationship right now. I am fine by myself. I am a big girl, living on her own and making big girl choices... arent you proud? haha No, really I dont need to fall in love right now, I dont want to. Its the last thing I want... been there, done that, broken heart achieved, I have the membership to prove it. Men only complicate things and if I need anything- it is less complications, altho I wouldn't mind the cuddling or the kissing ;-p or the cross word puzzles (its an inside joke) Hangman :-)

I am becoming a brunette again. I am not sure if I remember that girl, she is slowly but surely coming back. I wonder if I could ever be her again... regain some of her innocence? maybe. maybe not.

Its a fact- I hate running.

Its a fact- I am in love with David Archuletas song CRUSH. mmmmmmyeah.

Its a fact- ordering virgin drinks is so much better then alcohol. :-) oh date night

Its a fact- Belly button rings are only amusing for so long. Yes I took it out and am looking forward to the massively ugly scar. haha

Its a fact- Biting your nails is really a bad habit...maybe I should quit...

Its a fact- You can be charged over two hundred dollars in overdraft fees in less then two days... dont ask haha

Its a fact- Razor phones are indestructible.

Its a fact- Jared Anderson does have a sense of humor.

Its a fact- three girl+one bathroom= confrontation.

Its a fact- real Christmas trees are better

Its a fact- boys really never grow up... they just grow facial hair.

Its a fact- I can live without Zuzu Ford I just dont want to

Its a fact- the bible is so much cooler when you have a relationship with its author

Its a fact- two rights can and will make a wrong

Its a fact- babies can and will laugh at everything and nothing

Its a fact- Harmony is not complete without the melody even though melody does not need harmony to survive.

Its a fact- slobbery kisses are the best kind

Its a fact- I will never be good at playing a video game guitar

Its a fact- Taylor Swift is brilliant.

Its a fact- I hate endings.

All I want

It snowed yesterday. The entire city was white. It made me ache for family, Christmas and a warm fire but I I received none.

EH! Stop Brittany! Stop! Stop! STOP!

Why do I have to talk about it? Why does it come up everyday! I dont want to help anyone else! I cant even help myself! Jesus Jesus Jesus. Its so hard. Its so hard.

I dont want to complain I dont want to complain I dont want to complain


...is saying I miss him and love him and want him complaining?

How thoroughly someone can invade every part of you without stepping foot inside for over two years.

How completely it can devestate.

I am happy I really am but I just want him to be saved already.

Please Jesus.

Please.
Its all that I want.

I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool.

It's raining. No, not raining...pouring.

I love the world when its like this. All gloom, doom and wet. It makes me happy.

Is that weird? How sunshine is nice but rain and clouds are what I really love. It does something to my heart, makes it beat faster, harder. It excites me. Part of me wants to run around in it, get soaked to the skin and come inside, dripping and cold, stripping as I go, laying out in front of the fire watching the drops evaporate.

The other part of me wants to bundle up, go sit under the porch covering with my guitar and a cup of sleepy time.

Have I mentioned that I love the rain? ;-)

Life is good. God is good. I am happy. MY friend Liv and I are going to start playing acoustic sets in coffee shops. Jealous?... I would be too.

Have any song suggestions? I would be happy to oblige.

I want to write a song so badly but I dont want to write one about him. I'm afraid to think about it. I'm afraid to write about it, to talk about it. I am afraid of the possibility of never seeing or hearing from him again. I didn't mean ever again... I just meant for now... however long now is.

I still am absolutely sure that it was right. I was being a hindrance, a security blanket and that's what he is for me... safe. known.

The rain is pounding against my window begging to be let in. The drops are rolling faster now, unable to hold onto the slippery glass any longer. Kind of like my control... its slipping further and further away from me. faster and faster. Its a good thing though. I cant afford to be in control. I don't want to be. Not anymore.

Oh Lord I'm becoming. It scares me sometimes.

An impromtu photo shoot... jealous?

I got my nose pierced!

Don't ask why... it was a split second decision.

Oh the joys of being a teenager!

Something to Fill

The 'Enter' conference has taken it out of me!
On top of it all I started work today! Go ME! I am drained of everything. I told aunt Kim the other night on the phone that I have never been so tired, I feel it all the way to my bones. Its the kind of tired where you feel like if you slept for a month straight it wouldn't be enough.
Emotionally?
I am doing better then I was. I am coming to terms with everything and I know ultimately it was the right thing to do. I had to surrender I couldn't carry it anymore. But just because I couldn't didn't mean that I didn't still have the desire in my heart to take it all on. Its okay that I feel like that right now. God is working on my heart. That's the beauty of the Lord, not having to clean up before you come but being able to cast everything onto Him. Thank Goodness someone can handle it!

As you might know I had been going back and forth on my college decision. One day I couldn't think of anything else but going home and being free after the school of worship and than others I was so sure that Kings was the right place for me.

I was so confused and frustrated because I wanted to have a plan.

Then I called Adam 'that night' and I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore. I had never heard him get so upset.

That's a lie. Only twice before had I ever seen him that angry. I felt like such a jerk, I knew what I was doing was right but I hate hurting him and I know that's what I did.

He proceeded to give me a list of things that God has done (or hasn't intervened with) that he didn't understand. He told me that he really 'hoped God lived up to my expectations because he certainly didn't measure up to his.'

You know when someone is set in a way of thinking there is really nothing you can say to change their mind or soften their heart. Adam had a whole list of things that were 'Gods fault' and really it was just a list of hurting people hurting other people.

I cried while I was on the phone with him, and I cried when I got off.

But the reason why I was heart broken when I got off the phone was completely different from the reason of why I was when I got on it.

He had told me things. He showed me scars and burdens that I didn't even know he carried.

I cried for people. Hurting people that only wanted to be made whole. Hurting people who realized that they were walking around with this huge hole in them. Hurting people who tried to stuff the hole full of everything that they could find, only succeeding in making the empty hole bigger.

Adam looked to a girl. He tried to cram her into this hole that she would have never been big enough to fill and when she didn't make it all better everything just got worse.

Hurting people cramming other hurting people into holes they were never meant to fill only succeeding in stretching the hole out even more. All you are left with is more hurt.

It was then in my room that God started whispering to my heart.

The next day I prayed that God would give me new dreams because my old ones were gone.

He is so faithful.

This situation has shown me how changed I truly am. God has given me this heart of compassion. This heart for the lost that I never knew existed.

He wants me to go to school for christian counseling. I know this now. He wants me to help his people. The ones who are trying to cram lots of little things into one big hole and I want to help them.

Now I know I cant fix anyone but I know of someone who delights in filling holes and taking control.

I want to help people for Sam. I don't know her but I love her and her story speaks to my heart. Helping those whose hope is lost. I want to help people like Adam. The ones who need to know that there is someone who will never let them down and will fulfil every promise that He makes.

Jesus my life is yours. All I am called to do is love with your love and disciple.

I love these people so much. Its hard to breathe.

With Everything

Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, I reached the top of the mountain.

Jesus, the view is beautiful from here. Is this a glimpse of what you see everyday?

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I feel so lost yet I know I am not lost alone. You are here with me. In the midst of everything. Oh how you love me. I feel it.

Open my eyes Jesus. Reveal your glorious self to me. Give me a revelation of you...of your heart. I cant do it alone. I don't want too. I am so afraid. Will I ever dream again? Lord instill and embed in my heart your dreams, the dreams you have for me. Make them my dreams for myself. Aline my will with yours. I will go wherever you send me... unafraid because you are with me always.

Sanctify me.

I am breaking free from so many things. The chains are gone. I want to worship you forever. I want to sing to you until I have no voice left in my body. I want to glorify your name with my life. Its yours. I am yours. He is yours.

Surrender.

Here I am. Use me as you will.

I am all yours. Heart and soul bare for you to see.
Examine me and anything you find lacking Lord take it away for it is not of you.

Cleanse me.

Cleanse me.

Make me new.

I am not the same and never will be that girl again.

Envelop me in your arms.

Today is a new day and your mercies are new.

Hide your word in my heart.