Shameless

I know that it was right. I know that we are walking down two different roads and his does not look like it will be merging with mine anytime soon. I know I was just setting myself for heartache...again. I know he doesn't still love me because if he did... how could he be with someone else? How could me make me believe that he wasn't seeing that someone else anymore... hadn't been seeing her for a month and then casually tell me he broke up with her? Like it was nothing? HELLO! I wanted to marry you once upon a time!?! You think I like to hear that you are crying your eyes out over another girl?!?

No. No that is not why I did it. Honestly I am not mad. Just very very sad. Unbearably sad. Its like this fairy tale dream, my little girl fairy tale dream, where the knight comes and takes me away, just died. Its like everything I ever wanted was for nothing. How can you love someone who doesn't love you?

I will tell you how. Look at the last two years of my life! I spent those years loving him and praying for him and wanting him and dreaming of him and needing him. But you know what? I am done needing him and dreaming! I am done waiting and hoping! I am better than this! I deserve better than this! I deserve someone who will love me the way that I am supposed to be loved.

The funny part is this isn't even really about me. That was a rant a stupid, teenage, broken hearted girls rant. I am just so sad. I want to cry all the time. He is so jaded and I just want to fix it but I cant! I just want to have the answers but I don't! I cant fix him!

I am so broken for her. You don't know who I am but I know who you are. Two of my very best friends in the world stayed up with me last night and prayed for you. We prayed so hard I hope you felt it in your bones. I love you and I don't even know you. You are my sister and I am so sorry! I cried for you last night. For what you lost. For what you are still loosing... know that if i could take your place I would. Know that if I could have suffered it all for you I would have. My heart is broken for yours and will always be. Know that there is someone out there in this big, unfair, scary world, praying for you and loving you from a distance even though we have never met.
I love you. You are my sister and one day the healer of the world will use his hands to take your broken heart and birth in you a new one. My heart is broken for yours and the tears I cant seem to stop crying fall for your innocence. Oh beloved sister.

Adam. I love you. I will always love you. I am never going to stop for as long as I live. You were everything I ever wanted. You were every dream I ever had. I would have given up everything just be near you. I would have done it if you had just asked. I am so broken. I have been ever since you walked away. Being put back together scares me... I have been broken for so long.

But you have to walk on your own. I cant do it for you. I cant fix your problems. There is only one who can mend your hurt and your brokenness. There is only one who can take away the anger and fear you feel. You are so alone in your perfectly put together world, surrounded by people but so eternally alone...always alone. You don't have to feel that! Why do you chose day after day to walk in it when you don't have too?

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

But you don't love me. You cant. Not when you don't really know the true meaning of the word.

That's okay. You don't have too.

Loving you is not a burden. Its hard but I never wish, not for a second, that I didn't.

Jesus, Adam. The answer to every single one of your questions is Jesus.

When you meet Him.

When you truly know who he is.

Call me.

Because I want to be the very first to hear all about it.

Until then,

I love you forever.

I am yours till my dying day.

Shameless.