I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool.

It's raining. No, not raining...pouring.

I love the world when its like this. All gloom, doom and wet. It makes me happy.

Is that weird? How sunshine is nice but rain and clouds are what I really love. It does something to my heart, makes it beat faster, harder. It excites me. Part of me wants to run around in it, get soaked to the skin and come inside, dripping and cold, stripping as I go, laying out in front of the fire watching the drops evaporate.

The other part of me wants to bundle up, go sit under the porch covering with my guitar and a cup of sleepy time.

Have I mentioned that I love the rain? ;-)

Life is good. God is good. I am happy. MY friend Liv and I are going to start playing acoustic sets in coffee shops. Jealous?... I would be too.

Have any song suggestions? I would be happy to oblige.

I want to write a song so badly but I dont want to write one about him. I'm afraid to think about it. I'm afraid to write about it, to talk about it. I am afraid of the possibility of never seeing or hearing from him again. I didn't mean ever again... I just meant for now... however long now is.

I still am absolutely sure that it was right. I was being a hindrance, a security blanket and that's what he is for me... safe. known.

The rain is pounding against my window begging to be let in. The drops are rolling faster now, unable to hold onto the slippery glass any longer. Kind of like my control... its slipping further and further away from me. faster and faster. Its a good thing though. I cant afford to be in control. I don't want to be. Not anymore.

Oh Lord I'm becoming. It scares me sometimes.

An impromtu photo shoot... jealous?

I got my nose pierced!

Don't ask why... it was a split second decision.

Oh the joys of being a teenager!

Something to Fill

The 'Enter' conference has taken it out of me!
On top of it all I started work today! Go ME! I am drained of everything. I told aunt Kim the other night on the phone that I have never been so tired, I feel it all the way to my bones. Its the kind of tired where you feel like if you slept for a month straight it wouldn't be enough.
Emotionally?
I am doing better then I was. I am coming to terms with everything and I know ultimately it was the right thing to do. I had to surrender I couldn't carry it anymore. But just because I couldn't didn't mean that I didn't still have the desire in my heart to take it all on. Its okay that I feel like that right now. God is working on my heart. That's the beauty of the Lord, not having to clean up before you come but being able to cast everything onto Him. Thank Goodness someone can handle it!

As you might know I had been going back and forth on my college decision. One day I couldn't think of anything else but going home and being free after the school of worship and than others I was so sure that Kings was the right place for me.

I was so confused and frustrated because I wanted to have a plan.

Then I called Adam 'that night' and I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore. I had never heard him get so upset.

That's a lie. Only twice before had I ever seen him that angry. I felt like such a jerk, I knew what I was doing was right but I hate hurting him and I know that's what I did.

He proceeded to give me a list of things that God has done (or hasn't intervened with) that he didn't understand. He told me that he really 'hoped God lived up to my expectations because he certainly didn't measure up to his.'

You know when someone is set in a way of thinking there is really nothing you can say to change their mind or soften their heart. Adam had a whole list of things that were 'Gods fault' and really it was just a list of hurting people hurting other people.

I cried while I was on the phone with him, and I cried when I got off.

But the reason why I was heart broken when I got off the phone was completely different from the reason of why I was when I got on it.

He had told me things. He showed me scars and burdens that I didn't even know he carried.

I cried for people. Hurting people that only wanted to be made whole. Hurting people who realized that they were walking around with this huge hole in them. Hurting people who tried to stuff the hole full of everything that they could find, only succeeding in making the empty hole bigger.

Adam looked to a girl. He tried to cram her into this hole that she would have never been big enough to fill and when she didn't make it all better everything just got worse.

Hurting people cramming other hurting people into holes they were never meant to fill only succeeding in stretching the hole out even more. All you are left with is more hurt.

It was then in my room that God started whispering to my heart.

The next day I prayed that God would give me new dreams because my old ones were gone.

He is so faithful.

This situation has shown me how changed I truly am. God has given me this heart of compassion. This heart for the lost that I never knew existed.

He wants me to go to school for christian counseling. I know this now. He wants me to help his people. The ones who are trying to cram lots of little things into one big hole and I want to help them.

Now I know I cant fix anyone but I know of someone who delights in filling holes and taking control.

I want to help people for Sam. I don't know her but I love her and her story speaks to my heart. Helping those whose hope is lost. I want to help people like Adam. The ones who need to know that there is someone who will never let them down and will fulfil every promise that He makes.

Jesus my life is yours. All I am called to do is love with your love and disciple.

I love these people so much. Its hard to breathe.

With Everything

Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, I reached the top of the mountain.

Jesus, the view is beautiful from here. Is this a glimpse of what you see everyday?

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I feel so lost yet I know I am not lost alone. You are here with me. In the midst of everything. Oh how you love me. I feel it.

Open my eyes Jesus. Reveal your glorious self to me. Give me a revelation of you...of your heart. I cant do it alone. I don't want too. I am so afraid. Will I ever dream again? Lord instill and embed in my heart your dreams, the dreams you have for me. Make them my dreams for myself. Aline my will with yours. I will go wherever you send me... unafraid because you are with me always.

Sanctify me.

I am breaking free from so many things. The chains are gone. I want to worship you forever. I want to sing to you until I have no voice left in my body. I want to glorify your name with my life. Its yours. I am yours. He is yours.

Surrender.

Here I am. Use me as you will.

I am all yours. Heart and soul bare for you to see.
Examine me and anything you find lacking Lord take it away for it is not of you.

Cleanse me.

Cleanse me.

Make me new.

I am not the same and never will be that girl again.

Envelop me in your arms.

Today is a new day and your mercies are new.

Hide your word in my heart.

Shameless

I know that it was right. I know that we are walking down two different roads and his does not look like it will be merging with mine anytime soon. I know I was just setting myself for heartache...again. I know he doesn't still love me because if he did... how could he be with someone else? How could me make me believe that he wasn't seeing that someone else anymore... hadn't been seeing her for a month and then casually tell me he broke up with her? Like it was nothing? HELLO! I wanted to marry you once upon a time!?! You think I like to hear that you are crying your eyes out over another girl?!?

No. No that is not why I did it. Honestly I am not mad. Just very very sad. Unbearably sad. Its like this fairy tale dream, my little girl fairy tale dream, where the knight comes and takes me away, just died. Its like everything I ever wanted was for nothing. How can you love someone who doesn't love you?

I will tell you how. Look at the last two years of my life! I spent those years loving him and praying for him and wanting him and dreaming of him and needing him. But you know what? I am done needing him and dreaming! I am done waiting and hoping! I am better than this! I deserve better than this! I deserve someone who will love me the way that I am supposed to be loved.

The funny part is this isn't even really about me. That was a rant a stupid, teenage, broken hearted girls rant. I am just so sad. I want to cry all the time. He is so jaded and I just want to fix it but I cant! I just want to have the answers but I don't! I cant fix him!

I am so broken for her. You don't know who I am but I know who you are. Two of my very best friends in the world stayed up with me last night and prayed for you. We prayed so hard I hope you felt it in your bones. I love you and I don't even know you. You are my sister and I am so sorry! I cried for you last night. For what you lost. For what you are still loosing... know that if i could take your place I would. Know that if I could have suffered it all for you I would have. My heart is broken for yours and will always be. Know that there is someone out there in this big, unfair, scary world, praying for you and loving you from a distance even though we have never met.
I love you. You are my sister and one day the healer of the world will use his hands to take your broken heart and birth in you a new one. My heart is broken for yours and the tears I cant seem to stop crying fall for your innocence. Oh beloved sister.

Adam. I love you. I will always love you. I am never going to stop for as long as I live. You were everything I ever wanted. You were every dream I ever had. I would have given up everything just be near you. I would have done it if you had just asked. I am so broken. I have been ever since you walked away. Being put back together scares me... I have been broken for so long.

But you have to walk on your own. I cant do it for you. I cant fix your problems. There is only one who can mend your hurt and your brokenness. There is only one who can take away the anger and fear you feel. You are so alone in your perfectly put together world, surrounded by people but so eternally alone...always alone. You don't have to feel that! Why do you chose day after day to walk in it when you don't have too?

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

But you don't love me. You cant. Not when you don't really know the true meaning of the word.

That's okay. You don't have too.

Loving you is not a burden. Its hard but I never wish, not for a second, that I didn't.

Jesus, Adam. The answer to every single one of your questions is Jesus.

When you meet Him.

When you truly know who he is.

Call me.

Because I want to be the very first to hear all about it.

Until then,

I love you forever.

I am yours till my dying day.

Shameless.

Vomit.

I miss Zuzu.

I miss home.

I miss my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and aunt kim.

I dont want to be a grown-up anymore.

I love my new friends and I love the little bit of Independence that I've gained but I am ready for more.

Jesus where have you gone? Its been a week and I feel like I am doing this by myself. I guess partly because I am not making the first move. I should be reading my bible. I should be journaling in the beautiful journal aunt kim bought me. I should be doing a lot of things and I dont know why i am not.

GAH! Tomorrows a new day right?

Jesus tomorrow, you and me.

Are you ready?

Because I am and I dont know why I went away.

I just need the heck out of you! Always have and always will.

PS The house reeks of fish and there is a "grown-up" dinner party going on down stairs that I was not invited too. Vomit.

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start...

I cant stop thinking about him.

Why?

Why did I have to fall in love with him? There were so many! SO MANY! Why him? Why did he have to be the one I couldnt bare to let get away? I dont want to love him anymore because its hard and dirty and all I want is to rest for a little while. My arms are tired.

You think making him go away would be better? Not having to hear about his girlfriends. Not having to know that he's been with someone else...LOTS of someone elses. I have been with no one! Why? Because I cant even think about being with someone else! I love him! I love him! I love him! I am never going to stop! Get used to it! He was my first so many things and damn it he is going to be my last!

I dont care! I dont care! Try to make me hate you. Fuck them. Love them. Hold them. Kiss them. Wish it was me. Think of me. Love me. Hold me. Kiss me.

I cant fix him.

But I pray that one day he'll wake up and realize what he's missing.

Jesus.