Engaged

I can't stop smiling! It's Christmas and I cant stop smiling because someone just... AHHH not going to talk about it. It is going to stay my secret for now! :-D so happy!

Engagements! Birthday parties! It is so good to be home :-) I have missed it. I just dont fit Colorado like I fit texas... but then again I could never fit texas like I fit California.

Tana Kaye is engaged! :-D Josh asked her! Finally! Her ring is beautiful. Jezze when I talk about it I feel like a 8 year old little girl dreaming about what it would be like to get married and have babies. lol It is so exciting! Dreams come true! fairlytales do exist! broken hearts heal! Tana has shown me that. She asked me to be a Brides maid. Does that mean I have to bring a date? lol I have never been a brides maid before... should be interesting.

Wish me luck?

<3<3<3

I have these two different sides of me- The crazy side that wants to break free and do everything I know I shouldn't and the real side... the side that I am most of the time.

Why is it okay for girls to sleep around? Why does it not matter anymore if your 15 year old daughter is sexually active? Why do people lie about it? Where does it say that cheating on your girlfriend is okay as long as she forgives you for it? Sex. I hate sex. It has been turned into something so meaningless, something so ordinary, something void of anything special. Why?

Tonight my mind is just a little crazy. I have friends away in college and friends that are still in high school and friends who are working and engaged. Friends from all different walks of life doing everything differently than anyone who has gone before. I love people we are all so unique.

I have sexest friends and racist friends. I have friends who lie and friends that cheat. I know girls who walk in shame so deep you'd think they drown in it. I have friends that care and friends who don't. I know guys that drink and some that smoke. I have friends who are gay, some Christians, Catholics, Mormons, followers, musicians, actors, dancers, deceivers, leaders. I know secrets that no one else knows. I have had my expectations met, depleted and exceeded.

I know jealous people. I live in a world chalked full of them. I hate money.

Tonight I am sick of the world. I am tired of lies and ploys. I am tired of thinking I know someone without really knowing them at all.

What has happened to the innocence of childhood? Where did it go and why cant I stay innocent forever? I feel dirty, like I have been apart of all these unclean things, I scrub and I scrub, trying to rid myself of the dirtiness that is all around me but having to come to terms with the fact that my water is just as dirty as everyone elses. I cannot help anyone else be clean if I wash them with dirty water.

But if I have someone else wash me... someone with clean water and then I maintain the cleanliness... well I could help so many people but you understand that just because I wash them doesn't mean it has anything to do with me because I was where they were and it was only because of someone elses cleanliness that I am now clean. I have the power to clean nothing... the only thing I can do is dedicate my hands that have been washed clean by another.

Do you know what happens when you clean someone with clean water? they become clean obviously but your water will become dirty once again. There dirt will affect you and that is why it is supposed to be a constant cleansing.

Well my eyes wont stay open anymore... I guess we will find out tomorrow if any of that made any sense at all.

<3<3<3

A quick video update.

I am listening to the Prosper State game and I needed something to distract me while my stomach tries to settle. The game is tied in the third. So intense.

Am I crazy or falling in love?

Well winter is officially here to stay in Colorado Springs :-) complete with snow white scenery and icy roads. I almost spun out twice today and I was driving 15 its re-dick peeps.

I am babysitting the most adorable little boys right now, Kohen and Korbin and Kohen wont stop grinning at me. He was a hippopotamus for Halloween it was the sweetest thing.

I am knitting a blanket... its coming along quite nicely. It is purple- majestic... yeah dont be jealous.

I watched Pretty Woman last night. I forgot how every time I watch that movie I fall in love with Richard Gear all over again. He is beautiful. the end.

So another NLSW student got engaged. That is 4 engaged now, 5 married, and two new couples. I swear love is in the non-existent air in C.S. ....and me you ask?!?! HAHA Well there is someone but we lead worship together lol so um not such a good idea but he is VERY attractive and he has an incredible voice not to mention he plays guitar AND piano. But I mean we are just friends.... even though I catch him starring at me all the time :-D but nothing will come of it lol its me remember? Even if I live to be one hundred I am forever ruined for every other man that isnt.... well (whispers) "you know who."

I have been doing so well! I havent been talking about him or thinking about him--- AT ALL! It has been amazing.... really. I dont need a relationship right now. I am fine by myself. I am a big girl, living on her own and making big girl choices... arent you proud? haha No, really I dont need to fall in love right now, I dont want to. Its the last thing I want... been there, done that, broken heart achieved, I have the membership to prove it. Men only complicate things and if I need anything- it is less complications, altho I wouldn't mind the cuddling or the kissing ;-p or the cross word puzzles (its an inside joke) Hangman :-)

I am becoming a brunette again. I am not sure if I remember that girl, she is slowly but surely coming back. I wonder if I could ever be her again... regain some of her innocence? maybe. maybe not.

Its a fact- I hate running.

Its a fact- I am in love with David Archuletas song CRUSH. mmmmmmyeah.

Its a fact- ordering virgin drinks is so much better then alcohol. :-) oh date night

Its a fact- Belly button rings are only amusing for so long. Yes I took it out and am looking forward to the massively ugly scar. haha

Its a fact- Biting your nails is really a bad habit...maybe I should quit...

Its a fact- You can be charged over two hundred dollars in overdraft fees in less then two days... dont ask haha

Its a fact- Razor phones are indestructible.

Its a fact- Jared Anderson does have a sense of humor.

Its a fact- three girl+one bathroom= confrontation.

Its a fact- real Christmas trees are better

Its a fact- boys really never grow up... they just grow facial hair.

Its a fact- I can live without Zuzu Ford I just dont want to

Its a fact- the bible is so much cooler when you have a relationship with its author

Its a fact- two rights can and will make a wrong

Its a fact- babies can and will laugh at everything and nothing

Its a fact- Harmony is not complete without the melody even though melody does not need harmony to survive.

Its a fact- slobbery kisses are the best kind

Its a fact- I will never be good at playing a video game guitar

Its a fact- Taylor Swift is brilliant.

Its a fact- I hate endings.

All I want

It snowed yesterday. The entire city was white. It made me ache for family, Christmas and a warm fire but I I received none.

EH! Stop Brittany! Stop! Stop! STOP!

Why do I have to talk about it? Why does it come up everyday! I dont want to help anyone else! I cant even help myself! Jesus Jesus Jesus. Its so hard. Its so hard.

I dont want to complain I dont want to complain I dont want to complain


...is saying I miss him and love him and want him complaining?

How thoroughly someone can invade every part of you without stepping foot inside for over two years.

How completely it can devestate.

I am happy I really am but I just want him to be saved already.

Please Jesus.

Please.
Its all that I want.

I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool.

It's raining. No, not raining...pouring.

I love the world when its like this. All gloom, doom and wet. It makes me happy.

Is that weird? How sunshine is nice but rain and clouds are what I really love. It does something to my heart, makes it beat faster, harder. It excites me. Part of me wants to run around in it, get soaked to the skin and come inside, dripping and cold, stripping as I go, laying out in front of the fire watching the drops evaporate.

The other part of me wants to bundle up, go sit under the porch covering with my guitar and a cup of sleepy time.

Have I mentioned that I love the rain? ;-)

Life is good. God is good. I am happy. MY friend Liv and I are going to start playing acoustic sets in coffee shops. Jealous?... I would be too.

Have any song suggestions? I would be happy to oblige.

I want to write a song so badly but I dont want to write one about him. I'm afraid to think about it. I'm afraid to write about it, to talk about it. I am afraid of the possibility of never seeing or hearing from him again. I didn't mean ever again... I just meant for now... however long now is.

I still am absolutely sure that it was right. I was being a hindrance, a security blanket and that's what he is for me... safe. known.

The rain is pounding against my window begging to be let in. The drops are rolling faster now, unable to hold onto the slippery glass any longer. Kind of like my control... its slipping further and further away from me. faster and faster. Its a good thing though. I cant afford to be in control. I don't want to be. Not anymore.

Oh Lord I'm becoming. It scares me sometimes.

An impromtu photo shoot... jealous?

I got my nose pierced!

Don't ask why... it was a split second decision.

Oh the joys of being a teenager!

Something to Fill

The 'Enter' conference has taken it out of me!
On top of it all I started work today! Go ME! I am drained of everything. I told aunt Kim the other night on the phone that I have never been so tired, I feel it all the way to my bones. Its the kind of tired where you feel like if you slept for a month straight it wouldn't be enough.
Emotionally?
I am doing better then I was. I am coming to terms with everything and I know ultimately it was the right thing to do. I had to surrender I couldn't carry it anymore. But just because I couldn't didn't mean that I didn't still have the desire in my heart to take it all on. Its okay that I feel like that right now. God is working on my heart. That's the beauty of the Lord, not having to clean up before you come but being able to cast everything onto Him. Thank Goodness someone can handle it!

As you might know I had been going back and forth on my college decision. One day I couldn't think of anything else but going home and being free after the school of worship and than others I was so sure that Kings was the right place for me.

I was so confused and frustrated because I wanted to have a plan.

Then I called Adam 'that night' and I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore. I had never heard him get so upset.

That's a lie. Only twice before had I ever seen him that angry. I felt like such a jerk, I knew what I was doing was right but I hate hurting him and I know that's what I did.

He proceeded to give me a list of things that God has done (or hasn't intervened with) that he didn't understand. He told me that he really 'hoped God lived up to my expectations because he certainly didn't measure up to his.'

You know when someone is set in a way of thinking there is really nothing you can say to change their mind or soften their heart. Adam had a whole list of things that were 'Gods fault' and really it was just a list of hurting people hurting other people.

I cried while I was on the phone with him, and I cried when I got off.

But the reason why I was heart broken when I got off the phone was completely different from the reason of why I was when I got on it.

He had told me things. He showed me scars and burdens that I didn't even know he carried.

I cried for people. Hurting people that only wanted to be made whole. Hurting people who realized that they were walking around with this huge hole in them. Hurting people who tried to stuff the hole full of everything that they could find, only succeeding in making the empty hole bigger.

Adam looked to a girl. He tried to cram her into this hole that she would have never been big enough to fill and when she didn't make it all better everything just got worse.

Hurting people cramming other hurting people into holes they were never meant to fill only succeeding in stretching the hole out even more. All you are left with is more hurt.

It was then in my room that God started whispering to my heart.

The next day I prayed that God would give me new dreams because my old ones were gone.

He is so faithful.

This situation has shown me how changed I truly am. God has given me this heart of compassion. This heart for the lost that I never knew existed.

He wants me to go to school for christian counseling. I know this now. He wants me to help his people. The ones who are trying to cram lots of little things into one big hole and I want to help them.

Now I know I cant fix anyone but I know of someone who delights in filling holes and taking control.

I want to help people for Sam. I don't know her but I love her and her story speaks to my heart. Helping those whose hope is lost. I want to help people like Adam. The ones who need to know that there is someone who will never let them down and will fulfil every promise that He makes.

Jesus my life is yours. All I am called to do is love with your love and disciple.

I love these people so much. Its hard to breathe.

With Everything

Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, I reached the top of the mountain.

Jesus, the view is beautiful from here. Is this a glimpse of what you see everyday?

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I feel so lost yet I know I am not lost alone. You are here with me. In the midst of everything. Oh how you love me. I feel it.

Open my eyes Jesus. Reveal your glorious self to me. Give me a revelation of you...of your heart. I cant do it alone. I don't want too. I am so afraid. Will I ever dream again? Lord instill and embed in my heart your dreams, the dreams you have for me. Make them my dreams for myself. Aline my will with yours. I will go wherever you send me... unafraid because you are with me always.

Sanctify me.

I am breaking free from so many things. The chains are gone. I want to worship you forever. I want to sing to you until I have no voice left in my body. I want to glorify your name with my life. Its yours. I am yours. He is yours.

Surrender.

Here I am. Use me as you will.

I am all yours. Heart and soul bare for you to see.
Examine me and anything you find lacking Lord take it away for it is not of you.

Cleanse me.

Cleanse me.

Make me new.

I am not the same and never will be that girl again.

Envelop me in your arms.

Today is a new day and your mercies are new.

Hide your word in my heart.

Shameless

I know that it was right. I know that we are walking down two different roads and his does not look like it will be merging with mine anytime soon. I know I was just setting myself for heartache...again. I know he doesn't still love me because if he did... how could he be with someone else? How could me make me believe that he wasn't seeing that someone else anymore... hadn't been seeing her for a month and then casually tell me he broke up with her? Like it was nothing? HELLO! I wanted to marry you once upon a time!?! You think I like to hear that you are crying your eyes out over another girl?!?

No. No that is not why I did it. Honestly I am not mad. Just very very sad. Unbearably sad. Its like this fairy tale dream, my little girl fairy tale dream, where the knight comes and takes me away, just died. Its like everything I ever wanted was for nothing. How can you love someone who doesn't love you?

I will tell you how. Look at the last two years of my life! I spent those years loving him and praying for him and wanting him and dreaming of him and needing him. But you know what? I am done needing him and dreaming! I am done waiting and hoping! I am better than this! I deserve better than this! I deserve someone who will love me the way that I am supposed to be loved.

The funny part is this isn't even really about me. That was a rant a stupid, teenage, broken hearted girls rant. I am just so sad. I want to cry all the time. He is so jaded and I just want to fix it but I cant! I just want to have the answers but I don't! I cant fix him!

I am so broken for her. You don't know who I am but I know who you are. Two of my very best friends in the world stayed up with me last night and prayed for you. We prayed so hard I hope you felt it in your bones. I love you and I don't even know you. You are my sister and I am so sorry! I cried for you last night. For what you lost. For what you are still loosing... know that if i could take your place I would. Know that if I could have suffered it all for you I would have. My heart is broken for yours and will always be. Know that there is someone out there in this big, unfair, scary world, praying for you and loving you from a distance even though we have never met.
I love you. You are my sister and one day the healer of the world will use his hands to take your broken heart and birth in you a new one. My heart is broken for yours and the tears I cant seem to stop crying fall for your innocence. Oh beloved sister.

Adam. I love you. I will always love you. I am never going to stop for as long as I live. You were everything I ever wanted. You were every dream I ever had. I would have given up everything just be near you. I would have done it if you had just asked. I am so broken. I have been ever since you walked away. Being put back together scares me... I have been broken for so long.

But you have to walk on your own. I cant do it for you. I cant fix your problems. There is only one who can mend your hurt and your brokenness. There is only one who can take away the anger and fear you feel. You are so alone in your perfectly put together world, surrounded by people but so eternally alone...always alone. You don't have to feel that! Why do you chose day after day to walk in it when you don't have too?

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

But you don't love me. You cant. Not when you don't really know the true meaning of the word.

That's okay. You don't have too.

Loving you is not a burden. Its hard but I never wish, not for a second, that I didn't.

Jesus, Adam. The answer to every single one of your questions is Jesus.

When you meet Him.

When you truly know who he is.

Call me.

Because I want to be the very first to hear all about it.

Until then,

I love you forever.

I am yours till my dying day.

Shameless.

Vomit.

I miss Zuzu.

I miss home.

I miss my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and aunt kim.

I dont want to be a grown-up anymore.

I love my new friends and I love the little bit of Independence that I've gained but I am ready for more.

Jesus where have you gone? Its been a week and I feel like I am doing this by myself. I guess partly because I am not making the first move. I should be reading my bible. I should be journaling in the beautiful journal aunt kim bought me. I should be doing a lot of things and I dont know why i am not.

GAH! Tomorrows a new day right?

Jesus tomorrow, you and me.

Are you ready?

Because I am and I dont know why I went away.

I just need the heck out of you! Always have and always will.

PS The house reeks of fish and there is a "grown-up" dinner party going on down stairs that I was not invited too. Vomit.

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start...

I cant stop thinking about him.

Why?

Why did I have to fall in love with him? There were so many! SO MANY! Why him? Why did he have to be the one I couldnt bare to let get away? I dont want to love him anymore because its hard and dirty and all I want is to rest for a little while. My arms are tired.

You think making him go away would be better? Not having to hear about his girlfriends. Not having to know that he's been with someone else...LOTS of someone elses. I have been with no one! Why? Because I cant even think about being with someone else! I love him! I love him! I love him! I am never going to stop! Get used to it! He was my first so many things and damn it he is going to be my last!

I dont care! I dont care! Try to make me hate you. Fuck them. Love them. Hold them. Kiss them. Wish it was me. Think of me. Love me. Hold me. Kiss me.

I cant fix him.

But I pray that one day he'll wake up and realize what he's missing.

Jesus.

Colorado- Day 1

AHHH! I just a built a table. Day one of living on my own and I already am making steps in the right direction. I didn't even need Connors help! (Clap for me!)

Went to church. The sermon was great and worship was fantastic! I totally stood two feet behind Jon Eagan thats right be jealous. Garrett wanted me to pinch his butt but I refrained seeing as to Mrs. Eagan was standing right there and that would have made things REEEEAAALLLY AWKWARD.

After church I talked with Adam for a bit and then had some awesome leftovers with the McGee's for lunch. We discussed creative writing techniques...mhm Colorado Brittany even has intelligent conversations. Go Figure.

I was going to do a little bit of job hunting today but decided that I could conquer the job world on Monday when everyone is in school and I don't have to fight crowds. See I am even smarter too! :-)

Well, I guess that is all for now. I am really really bored and very sad because I have no Zuzu. ZUZU I MISS YOU!!! COME BACK!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITH NO AIR?!?!

(sigh) Well I guess I will clean my room again.

Things to look foreword too-

Orientation
A walk around the block
New Job
Pinching Jon Eagans buttock when his wife isnt looking
Veggie Soup for dinner
And lots and lots of boredom

call me!

brit

It's not what good girls do...its not how I should behave....

Tonight?

Yes best night ever! Jils post birthday celebration and a surprise video from Zuzu=perfect.

Plus I kissed a girl... ;-)

Or maybe it was two....

teeeheee









Here is a wonderful picture from last night when i spray painted zu's hair red!



And that is about it. I move on Thursday so that's exciting but other than that minor detail life has been pretty boring. Sad but true. Maybe I can stir up some trouble tomorrow at our church dinner... all those good christian people and brittany in a bikini.... something fun is BOUND to happen!

I will keep you posted.

He knows whats best.

Life has been none stop lately, or so it feels like. I cant claim that this will be a happy post, I want it to be but I am in one of "those" moods right now... I find myself on the verge of laughter and on the verge of tears.

Life is so jumbled right now and I am starting to realize that there will never be a point in my life where everything is perfect. I used to think that if I could only reach this certain point, this level of completion, in my life that everything would be perfect and I would be blissfully happy.

I would have my dream husband who I could wake up next to every morning and fall asleep beside every night. I would have a house full of wonderful children who I would love unconditionally and one day grandchildren. I would live a life full of love, treasuring the small things.

Walks. Kisses. Smiles. Laughter. Tears. Macaroni necklaces. Home cooked dinners. Sunsets. Swim parties. Lullaby's. Bare feet. Cotton dresses with pockets. Hats. Silly songs. Hop scotch. Hugs. Races. Tire Swings. Ponds. Tree houses. Diapers. Rocking chairs. Car trips. Potty breaks. Binky's. Cuddles. Warm baths. Staying up till dawn. Over-alls. Books. Music. Dancing around the kitchen. Naked Wednesdays. Plays. Camping trips in the backyard. Skinny dipping. Drinking to much wine. Quite. Mud pies. Making love, making babies, making music, making time, making sense, making millions of memories that will last longer than I am on this earth.

I want to live in the moment and cherish everything, every day, every hour and every minute. I know it wont all be easy. I know that I might cry more than laugh but I am making a vow to myself right now that I will never regret a moment.

It wont all be easy, most of it wont be but where is the fun in a perfect world?

I am going to laugh to loud and smile to much and sing none stop for the rest of my life. I will be joy.

I have come to point in my life where I no longer see like a child. I am not sure that I see things like a woman but I no longer view them threw the rose colored lenses of a child.

I c0me to a point where I am laying my dreams down and giving them to God because ultimately its not my will but His, in ever aspect of my life. He knows whats best.

I held the sweetest baby girl in my arms tonight while she slept and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I could have watched her dream forever.

Good Times.

Sunday we went to see Heather because she has a disease and we wanted to cheer her up! :-) We made her a BIG HUGE card and baked her cup cakes and gave her a purple flower. We are good friends oh yes we are. ;-)

Love my Jil and Zu.

Saturday night was insane!!!!! I wont get into the crazy details but Jil, Zu and I back painted again and than we partied it up at Nicoles PAAARTY! mmmmm


Oh! And I cant forget about the Wal-Mart Trip... unforgettable haha
I am a great shopper!

God Alone

He's yours God.

In Your hands not mine.

I give him to You.

You are the maker of heaven
You turned my world around
Your making all things new again
Through it all I know you are God alone.

Praying

The Lord renews me and fills my soul with compassion.
How can you allow me to look upon them with your eyes?
How can you allow me to love them with your love?
Its overpowering, I cannot get enough.

Wake me in the mornings O God.
Tuck me in at night.
I need your strength Father, I need your reassurance.

Give me Holy dreams.
Dreams of You.

Hold me in Your arms, pressed against Your chest.
Wake me with scriptures and worship songs.

Let me live life in Your presence and die without it.




Psalm 13
A David Psalm
1-2 Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head
long enough. Long enough
I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.

3-4 Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.

5-6 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.

Love me Dead

So today has been interesting. I woke up and did not know where I was because I was not in my house, or in my bed, and before you ask- no, I was not at Zuzu's house or in her bed either.

So I woke up and found myself in a very uncomfortable position on a very uncomfortable couch. No, it was not the best nights sleep I have ever had. So at six o'clock this morning I got in my car and drove home just to wake up at 7:15 because my baby brother needed a ride somewhere.

So I threw on my cloths from the night before put on some Paris Hilton shades and stumble out the door. After having dropped him off I realize that driving all the way home did not sound so appealing so I called Zuzu and invited her to go to Taco Bell with me for breakfast.

So we went and ate and conquered and than decided to go terrorize the dollar general. That is when I realized I was not wearing a bra or shoes. You see this story just keeps getting better and better...right?

Wrong. Something very very bad happens next and it is called Brittany has not pee'd all morning and is about to explode...except for...yeah...you guessed it..Dollar General bought dollar toilets which if you haven't already deduced means that...they just so happened to be cheap crappy broken crappers!

OH HAPPY DAY!

So we run to Pets Mart and I find the bathroom! (Thank the Lord) It was located in the very back right hand corner of the store. How convenient, right? So i get in there and I realize that I put my underwear on inside out, they were clean so it wasnt a HUGE deal but still can you say AWKWARD!

So we walk around pets mart and I get to see the lovely breeding crickets and the black cat with the creepy eyes. JOY JOY JOY! Now I really want to vomit.

So we did the right thing and we left and went back to Dollar General...where everything... everything is a dollar. Amazing right?

Than Colin called...yada yada yada. Now I am back home.

Zuzu and I "watched" buffy the vampire slayer and babysat the chesney kids (normal normal normal) skipping ahead....


Anways I found this amazing video (see the top of this page) and I feel in love with this song. I dont know why..its kinda weird and creepy but hey thats art! ;-)

So Enjoy and sorry about the uber long ramble fest.

I was in one of "those" moods. ha

brit

Desperation.

Leaving in six hours!

I am so excited! Its weird though because it doesn't feel like I'm leaving. Sure I've packed and the last meeting was today but I cant believe its here! I cant believe its been a year!

Last year was unreal and I know that God has so much more in store for this year! People are going to be healed miracles are going to happen and our youth group is going to be in the midst of it! God is so good. I am so on fire for Him! I am so in love with Him and this is just going to refresh and renew it all.

I cant wait to just sit and soak in His presence.

:-)brit

We talked.

Everyone is going to laugh when I say "Geeze, I wish I would have taken their advice earlier".

But God has this thing called perfect timing... Its pretty cool, you should ask Him about it.

So I spilled my guts to Adam.

Ew I don't like the picture I just painted there but that is really what I did.
I told him everything. I really think it is one of the best things I have ever done. I really dont feel like crying.lol

It had been a long time coming and he knew it just as well as I did.

Friends...

Yeah :-) I can definitely do that.

brit

waiting...

He text and told me he was going to call and I didnt think I would be afraid but there I sat, shaking.

Its a good thing we have bible study on thursday nights.

God its just me and you.

Sorry.

Sorry for the most depressing post ever last night.

I just need my life to move forward. I have been in the same spot, treading the same water, for the last two years and I am sick of standing still. I want to move forward, but I don't want to move forward with just anyone.

I love him. Am I allowed to say that on here? Am I allowed to say it at all? I think I am through with caring what I am allowed to say, or what the proper thing to do is.

THE BOTTOM LINE

If he wanted to try again. I would. I would move back to California for him, even if it meant leaving everything I love here behind.

I tried to get over it. I tried not to think about him. I tried hating him for leaving but he was just as scared as I was. I am sick and tired of trying so you know what? I am done with it.

I am in love with someone I met and fell in love with 2 1/2 years ago. His name is Adam and he lives in California. He loves history and Garth brooks. He knows more about me than anyone in the this world. He made me happier than I had ever been and I made him happy too.

Right now everything is drawing near to crescendo. He knows how I feel and now its time to wait and see what he chooses to do about it. The balls in his court and what a relief it is to know that.

I find it funny that Im not scared at all because I know he loves me. Whatever happens now is just fate taking its course.

PS he called.

Pictures from last nights back painting fest lol love this girl!

Dont you just hate when the words get stuck?

Here we go- cryptic post take one.

I am 150 million percent on fire and ecstatic for Desperation! God did some mind blowing things last year but this year...well He is going to show Himself up fosho.

Leaving on Monday AHHHH I still have a million things to take care of and do.

Pray for me. Haha just pray.

You know how when someone tells you they'll call they should at least have the decency to text and say "hey I am really busy today no can do...but tomorrow?"

once again... why do I let him hurt me?

why do I dwell on things?

I am so disgusting...just waiting for every crumb he'll throw at me. it doesnt matter how sick eating it will make me, how old, or raw, or spoiled... I devour it just the same and it leaves me worse off every time.

Pray for me... just pray.

Haha Zuzu I am crying again. I am beginning to think that my body likes crying... I mean why would it do it as much as it does if it didnt.

Where is a pillow?

brit

I keep running into you

Tonight was just what I needed....

and lets just leave it at that. ;-)

Tomorrow...

Tuesday-

The day starts out like any other ordinary day. Zuzu and I wake up and get ready to go meet the lady we are going to house sit for. We get there and I speak for both of us when I say that no money is worth what this lady wants us to do...not to her house but for her dog. (okay so the day isn't that bad yet but wait because it gets there)

So we are done with getting the lowdown for the house, now we have a babysitting job in east Mckinney to get too. The kids were great...until the mom left, and the power went out, and the HUGE rain storm started. Kids were running around everywhere screaming! You would think the world was going to end! One of them wouldn't stop screaming bloody murder and made us call him mom and he sat on the phone sobbing hysterically. One of the kids was so scared he literally threw up (no joke). The kid puked all over the front entry way tile (at least it was on the tile).

If that wasn't bad enough the other two are running around screaming because they are starving and zuzu and I are trying to deal with it all while trying to find flash lights.

We finally got everyone calmed down with a lot of praying and a silly act where Zuzu and I ran around pretending the kitchen was filthy. We donned aprons and went to work with febreeze, Windex, an iron, and laundry detergent. The boys thought it was the funniest thing ever and we ended up chasing them around the house because they were "too dirty" and we had to "clean them".

If the day hadn't already been exciting enough I had a meeting with the worship Pastor of our church. We talked about Colorado and the sponsorship letter I should be writing right now (for shame).

After that I got a call from a family that needed a nanny and wanted me to come interview and I did.

It was the LONGEST interview of my LIFE! It was two hours long and I had to answer more questions than I knew what to do with!

Questions like-

"Whats your favorite movie?"

"How many boyfriends do you have?"

"What do you think about religion?"

"Are you a virgin?"

Let me tell you the strangest interview ever! EVER!

After that zu and I went to Toris and picked up her squirrel because we volunteered to squirrel sit for the day and if my day hadn't already been pleasant enough. The squirrel pooped on me.

The perfect end to the perfect day.

So that was yesterday. This was today.

And who knows what tomorrow will bring....

Worship School

I cant believe I am acutally doing this!

Moving to Colorado=insane!

Moving to Colorado with no job, no place to live (as of now), no money and hoping for the best.... impossible.

But our God is a God of the impossible isnt He? If He can heal people from incurable diseases this should be a walk in the park for the big guy.

Sheesh arent you glad He's on our side?

Here is goes. I'm living by faith and not by sight...this is all you Lord.

Blah Blah Blah and love

Good morning world of blogger people!

Today is going to be interesting. We are going to Trade days to do some last minute Fathers day shopping but I have to be back in town by 2 because I am on the worship team tonight. After that I am babysitting for the Dukes and hopefully than I can go home and get some much needed sleep.

A question for anyone who is still reading after that very boring first paragraph.

Is it possible to hate someone and love them at the same time?

Rationally I have to say no because in my book love and hate cannot co-exist they are conflicting emotions.

Than I have to ask myself the question- Is hate really the opposite of love?...or is it fear?

With the def. of love God gives us in the bible the answer of course would be no. You cannot hate and love the same person. Its not possible, so I guess I have my answer there.

But if you love someone and you cant stand some of the things they do and hate some of the things they stand for that doesnt mean you hate the actual person but their beliefs but that is such a HUGE part of a person...what they believe.

I believe in God. I believe in having a personal relationship with Him. I believe in prayer, it works, I have seen it. I dont believe in religion. Its pointless there is only one way period. I wont deny that others believe the same thing about their religion and beliefs but does believing something necessarily make it true? No. That is where faith steps in.

So you say that same line of reasoning can be turned back to my own beliefs...yes. Absolutely but in my case I have proof. Would it hold up under a scientists microscope...maybe...maybe not but for me its enough.


Okay so I have to be done rambling for now haha we are leaving.

Have a great day! :-)

Keep your legs warm and they wont grow hair

Today was loooooong! It was the last day of worship arts camp and I have got to say the kids really did an awesome job. Zuzu and I had 17 in all in our class. It wasn't the easiest week I have ever had but it was defiantly easier than I had expected.

Worst part of the day- the toilet overflowing.

Best part- The kids, unashamed, up on that stage worshiping God.

Second best part- collecting the cloths pins haha




Now it is 11:30 and I am still awake trying to come up with something to do on what is left of my Friday night.

Zuzu tattooed my back and now she is falling asleep...maybe I should join her.




I was going to make this a really really long post but I am going to cut it short because I really have to pee so goodnight entertaining world of blogger people.






Okay so I lied. I am going to hold it for a moment longer.

Please forgive me if this post is rubbish I am working on no sleep and have been going none stop for the last week. I am stressed tired and confused.

Jesus I need you right now. Tonight was so heart warming you manifested yourself in those kids. Everything we had been hoping and praying and working toward happened. You are amazing God...man, that word doesn't even do you justice.

I saw a bunch of kids walk in the door tired and defiant Monday morning and walk out Friday night changed, glowing, dancing and singing your praises.

A lot of times we walk away and deem it a success, thanking everyone involved, a lot of the time forgetting to thank the most important one of all. It was only a success because you showed up. We could have never have pulled it off without you.

Me personally. You know how much I struggle with patience but this week I seemed to have an abundance of it, enough to go around and share. You know I have such a heart for kids but know that I am a tough love kind of girl, you softened my heart this week and gave those babies just what they needed. A friend, a teacher, a sister, a crush, and most of all a Godly example.

You are just so cool. haha that sounds so lame but its true. From the little things like verses and songs to the big ones like worship arts camp with over 100 kids.

"Indescribable, uncontainable, awestruck I fall to my knees as i humbly proclaim; You are amazing God."

The next few months

There is nothing in this world that makes me feel so accomplished, as writing a song.

Started a new one today on the keys. :-)

Its really good. I don't say that about a lot of my songs but this one...this one is special.

I am babysitting for the Chesneys again tonight. Lately it seems like my whole world revolves around kids. I need a vacation.

Got the cutest new hot pink dress from Victoria secret! It has pockets!!! :-)

This summer its all about the cotton dresses for me. Love em.

Talked to him today...haha he made me smile. :-)

That's all for now. Its going to be an interesting next few months.

P.S.

Well tonight didnt go like I expected or even like I hoped.

Why cant love just be easy?

PS I love my aunt kim.

Pursue it or let it go

Okay so it is almost one in the morning, I am totally exhausted after this whirlwind of a weekend and I just walked through the door. I'm not gonna lie, sleep sounds pretty damn good right now but I need to blog some crap and know I am going to regret it if I wait.


SOOOOOOOO.....

Here it goes-

Saturday was fantastic. Lead worship in Kingdom Kids and the family abandoned me for the fair...which I really didnt feel like going to so I had a cookout with the girls instead. Red wine+skinny dipping makes for an interesting experience when your backyard is on display for the entire neighborhood. ;-)

....just for Tori---Yes they do float. haha

Having Zu spend the night is always an adventure. Oh beer.

Wow, this is turning into a very drunk post, I think, but its okay because I dont even like beer. (that was a whole lotta commas)

Sunday- got up way to stinking early to lead worship in Kingdom Kids (which went really well this weekend) and than my dad got home from Cali! Watched 27 dresses for the first time, jumped into the swimming pool and than went over to my aunt kims for dinner and dessert.

Watched the Chesneys kids with Zu for a few hours and than Kelly got home and we had a very deep conversation that included her telling me that I needed to follow my heart and just tell the guy how I felt... preferably with a picture of my boobs accompanied by a caption that read"yes or no". Love that woman.

My love life?

Honestly?

Well I had someone tell me that I need to pursue it or let it go and so that is exactly what I need to do.

Stayed tuned to see how well that works out for me.

For now I am falling asleep on the keys so that is a tell tale sign that this blog is pretty much over and done for.

Love you guys!
Peace.

PS worship arts camp at 8 tomorrow...I have 15 kids....wish me luck!

Until Tomorrow

Haha I have silly tan lines.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it...the taste of her cherry chap stick" (Thank you Heather, Zuzu and the rest of you galvie girls I now feel very bad for liking this song)

My foot hurts :-(

Oh Crap! I left my guitar in my car but am to tired to get cloths on and go outside to get it.

I lost five pounds and am very proud of myself.

I think I will change my belly button ring.

Eye liner + swimming pools= ugliness

I started Matthew again today and couldn't finish it once again! Jesus! AHHHH I promise I will make it through that entire book one day. There is always tomorrow..... well not necessarily but you get my drift.

There is a graduation party tomorrow that I really don't want to go to but should. Why do graduations depress me? I really don't know. I don't think its because I never had one of my own... I think it just reverts back to the whole change=scary thing with me.

Funny. The thing I am scared of, and the thing that I crave the most, are exactly the same.

Something to ponder.

Well goodnight world of blogger people. Until t0morrow.

The Last Day

Today is the last day I have with my twins.

GAH! I feel like I am abandoning my children! I am going to cry I dont want to but its going to happen. :-(

I have got to say I am going to miss them when I am in Colorado and I am going to miss so many things that they do. When I come back they arent going to be babies anymore. Man, this is hard.

Honestly, I dont trust anyone else with them. I mean I know I wasnt the best "mom" ...lol I certainly wasnt up for any awards but they were mine from the time they were just a couple months old.

Everything

Just a highlight from Outcast! Jesus is amazing! Fo Sho!

PS Im the drunk one haha

A stroke of genious

The Lakers made me cry.

On the plus side Garrett beat the rubiks cube (i hate those little buggers) and that brings me immense pleasure.

Lakers oh Lakers...its alright we're not defeated yet.

PS I hate stupid ref.s who make stupid calls! they are of the devil, I am sure of it! and seriously come on!!!!!! the whole game it was in and out and in and out! okay Im done and refuse to think about it anymore. i refuse.


HAHAHAHA Than Carter writes back----

IN your face, to the lakers it's a disgrace, but to me its amazing.... Grace!

Beat that, oh wait you can't, cuz your from LA, the city that is GAY!

You like it, eww wait Garnett just SPIKED it in Gasol's eye lid.

Peaceout Gayscout, if you're a fan you then you know what its about.

Its the NBA finals and the Lakers are OUT!:P

Its done, finished, over, as in maybe next year the rapist kobe will get a little closer.

lakers will not win.

Until this series is over consider frustration and crying your friend.



(Okay not bad not bad....for a new guy......but he didnt know he was going up against a master)




(I am so good I dont even need and intro)

wow I have really got to say that little thing you tried to do was really rather lame

this is just the first game just wait until the next

kobe bryant and his boys are gonna woop up on some aaaa.....

you think you got us down? you think you got us beat? but another thing is coming to you look up and you'll see

thats right look up to the top the lakers and the celtics???

they might as well give up.

Now Dallas boy I wouldnt start slinging insults Especially when you cant hold your own

You better shut your white boy mouth before your butt gets owned

peace.




----Ouch thats what you get for messing with a cali girls team. YOU KNOW! Laker pride baby! I wear my colors and I wear them proudly. Represent!

100 and amazed.

I am just amazed with everything He does.

And when I'm 100 I am still going to be amazed.

outcasted forever because I live on His terms.who doesn't want to be loved?...in love? doesn't everyone want that? that's what Wednesday nights are. why cant it be like that everyday all the time. why cant I just live Jesus all the time? use me. im a vessel.(so good trav so good)

Use me use me use me Lord. I want to speak words of love and encouragement to those who are DEAD inside! I want to be a mother to the mother-less! I want to live your word out loud! I want people to look and me and be envious because I glow from the inside out with everything that is you! I want people to fall on their knees and scream "I want what she has! I don't know what it is but I want it!"

I want people to want to be in love with you. I want people to see and realize what I have. I just want the world to come into communion with your spirit because once you have felt the Lord, once you have seen Him move, once He has filled you up there is no turning back. He is a drug once you go Jesus you never go back. Its an every day every hour every minute every second kind of thing.

So use me Jesus!

Need my hands? They're yours.

Need my voice? Yours.

Need my smile. 100% belongs to you.

Use me to pray. Use me to heal. Use me to love. Take my everything and make it yours.

I love you. I love you. I am so in love with you I cant even pretend to want to be normal anymore! I have to scream it from the roof tops. You are the ultimate. I love you.


no words sum up tonight.


Jesus.

Taking over the world

Colin and my dad just left to Vegas again and Colin calls me this morning and yells at me because I have influenced his girl friend, I found this odd seeing as to I rarely ever speak to the girl and I asked him what she did---- he says that she dyed her hair like mine...or like it was (just went back to normal color ;-) He is so upset with me right now and the best part is I never even talk to the girl, never encouraged her, never told her she should do it, she just saw my hair loved it and got it.

Haha I am such a trend setter. First conquest- Colin's girlfriend and next....the world.

I know you love me

This weekend was just what I needed.

Church was amazing! The worship was so intense it felt like Wednesday night not Sunday morning. God is moving.

I have to apologize for being in this funky mood lately. Its just that I want to move on so bad! He has...he definitely has and all I want is to find someone to love like that again because once you have it and know what it feels like you never want to loose it.

Jesus just give me the strength to get through tomorrow without thinking about it. Where I am weak you are strong.

Zuzu you are my rock. I don't know what I would do without you. You don't know how many days I just wanted to sleep forever and sit in my self pity but you are always there cheering me on, even when you don't realize it. God knew what He was doing when He ordained this friendship. Thank you for putting up with all my b.s and laughing with me through the tears and all my sad stories. I love you.



Jesus I need you right now. I don't know why I have been having such a hard time of everything lately but I do know one thing I need you more now than I ever have. Please watch and guard over Adam, father I don't know what he is going through right now but I know if anything else he works a lot harder than any 21 year old I have ever met so please just calm his busy spirit and soothe his mind and his nerves. Just give him peace and please Lord I don't know if he is ever lonely like I am lonely but if he is would you really press close to him in those moments because I know its so hard when your alone and I don't ever want him to feel the way that I have felt.

Jesus watch over him and his family and walk beside him even when he doesn't want to acknowledge you're there. If I know anything about Adam its that he is very sensible and level headed, I pray that you just start revealing yourself to him daily in ways that only you can get the mention, honor and glory for.

Lord I know you had a plan for putting Adam and I together when you did and letting us go our separate ways but that doesn't make it any easier for me to accept. Please father just soften my heart to the sound of your voice because I need to hear you and lately I cant hear you at all and all I want to hear is your voice letting me know that everything is going to be okay, that there is nothing wrong with me. That there is nothing wrong with missing someone you love. You put these feeling in me for a reason and I don't know what that reason is but you know and your plans are a whole lot greater than mine.

I need you now and I want you here beside me because I am tired of trying to get over him on my own. I am tired of crying over him and missing him and quite honestly loving him and praying for him when it seems like what we had doesn't matter to him at all.

But you love me.

I know you love me so let me be content with that.

Just tired.

Jesus, I just want to forget him.

Just for tonight I am so tired of remembering and missing. I am so sick of wondering and wanting.

So please just for tonight make me forget he ever happened.

Please, just for tonight.

Its one of those days...lol its just one of those years. I am through with this.


and the saddest part of the story is I know I'm not because I really did love him....do love him.

Jesus Style

Wow, I am totally wiped out! The conference was life altering/amazing to the max, but it also tore me up. My legs hurt so bad I can hardly move and playing balloon pop with my family probably didn't help much either.

My voice? What voice? Brittany has a voice? Well you would have never guessed because currently all you here is breathy sighs and whispers. Fun? I think not. Not to mention I some how from somewhere acquired a cough and those guys aren't fun at all. No sirree, bob.

Tired-ness is my state of being right now, all I want to do is sleep forever and than wake up and miraculously its time for another conference. I love those things!

I guess its time for an update.

I don't even know how to begin writing this but I am going to try. My dad suffers from chronic pain from a variety of ailments. The newest of which was a diagnosis of adult onset asthma, which was making even the act of breathing difficult and painful. Well, following the Outcast conference Thursday night, Rex Crane prayed over him after being asked by my brother, Connor, to pray that God would heal our dad. Rex prayed over him in the foyer of the church, laying hands on him, and in front of the witness' there, God healed him!! Praise the Lord! His back and neck pain gone! His headache reduced drastically! His left side rib and scar tissue pain gone! His breathing problems gone! He prayed over his reflux and stomach problems and his lack of sleep. That night and the night after he slept without any reflux episodes. (He usually wakes up violently choking during the night) He is still having sleep apnea, but his sleep was much more peaceful. He is feeling good after 12 years of pain and anguish. Praise the Lord! The glory is His and His alone! I am claiming this healing in the name of Jesus. My dad is slightly reluctant, after so many years of suffering, to except this fully, that it will last. So I feel it is important to claim it, to shout it from the rooftops, to stand in faith believing that this reprieve is not temporary. I also am claiming and believing, in the name of Jesus, that the headaches will go away completely as will the sleep apnea. Nothing less than complete freedom, isn't that what we are promised!!!


If that wasn't enough my brother Colin was also healed from residual pain from his knee surgery, praise God!


Guys miracles are alive and they do happen!!! (Jesus Style ;-)

I have witnessed it! My family has seen it first hand. I also had a cousin who was having trouble with walking/running because of a soccor related injury and yes you guessed it she has also been fully healed!


God is doing some pretty amazing things out here in Prosper Texas and I am going to commit the rest of my life to making sure that it doesnt stop here.

I am going to move to Colorado in the fall, its where He is calling me and has been calling me for the last year. I am going to go to worship school and I am going to make the world fall in love with Jesus like I have or die trying.



brit

The Outcast Anthem

I am an outcast
A reject of society
Just like you were

Persecuted and abandoned
The world is gonna hate me
Like they hated you

But I'll stand for you
With the stance of an outcast
I'll stand for you

We're called to the kingdom
Imitators of God
The righteous and true

The generation of tomorrow
I rising up to follow and serve you

I'll follow you
With the heart of an outcast
Ill follow you

Ill stand for you
With the stance of an outcast
Ill stand for you

This is the anthem of the outcast
A song of the redeemed
Sing it I am not the same
I am not the same

Whoa Whoa
Whoa Whoa
Sing it I am not the same
I am not the same

A Blog

Tonight? I cant even write about it, I cant even describe it, I cant... I just cant.

Jesus is---

Wow. In awe, in shock, in wonder, this is me amazed truly... truly amazed. I say it all the time but I really don't ever give enough power to that word... GOSH that word doesn't even begin to describe it!

If you are a human being this is for you.

You are beautiful, you are loved, you are cherished, you are precious and adored. Someone wants to hold you, someone wants to spend time with you, someone wants to listen to every little thing that's on your mind, someone wants to fill your empty places...the ones that you don't think anyone knows about....the places that hurt so bad they make you ache and cry and feel depressed... the emptiness that makes you want to be someone else...anyone else....or no one at all.

Can I tell you something?

There is someone who follows you around all the time dancing and singing over you... all around you. Someone who follows you around in awe of the person that you are and are going to be. Someone who thinks your beautiful.

Someone who thinks your beautiful.


Someone who thinks your beautiful.


Someone who thinks your beautiful.

Look up. He has great plans for you. He has great plans for your future and for your present!


Jesus says that you are beautiful. Jesus says where your heart is there your treasure is too. Jesus calls us his treasure, so you know what that says to me?

Jesus loves you and me more than anything else in this universe! He is so in love with you He sings to you, He dances over you!

Hear that. Receive it and believe it.

Today

This week is exuding craziness already and its not even half over!

All I have to say is drama drama drama. BLAH I wont get into detail but I will say that God is planning on turning some pretty ugly ashes into something that is fully beautiful and alive. He is working in me and showing me things that I have needed to see and face for a long long time. He is weeding the garden that is my heart and making sure that only roses and beauty remain.

(sigh) It's like spring coming out of a long hard winter and I have to laugh because it happens on a day where my body feels so physically ill but my soul cant stop singing.

Sometimes you just have to sit down and praise God saying, "This is my situation but you are bigger than my situation and because you are I am too! This is who I am and my situation does not define that YOU define that! These things that I have been carrying around on my shoulders, things that have been putting weight and pressure on my chest hindering me from breath, I relinquish all and give it to you because I am not strong enough independently. Only am I strong enough when you are walking with me in front and beside, carrying me through the storms and trials that the world brings. Jesus," I cry. "Jesus, you are all I need! Jesus, you are all I want and long for and love. It took me so long to get here but here I am, take me and mold me like the potter with his clay. Use me, Jesus. Use me."


Today is going to be a good day.

AAAAAAHA!

So I am feeling pretty puffed up and proud of myself because I have totally mastered the world of blogging. Now I'll admit it...it took me awhile to figure it out but I did and now...well now I have bragging rights and the courage to conquer the world!!!!


Ehem...sorry. Little carried away there.

Commence bragging-

Poo poo world of bloggers,poo poo.


And I will never admit that it took me till 2:30 in the morning to figure it all out. Nope never will.

I bid thee adieu.

brit

Drive slow for the pedestrians

Today? Well today I decided to be a layabout and have a Buffy fest, I have been watching since 8 am you know how many Buffy episodes you can watch in 4 hours?

No?

Well let me tell you blogger friends! The answer is 5, quite amazing isn't it?

So now I am a little Buffy'd out, Zuzu is being stupid because she wont show me her hair and my hair is not so red anymore but it really quite pink.

On the plus side pink is so totally better than orange so I can deal.

I started writing a story, something I haven't done in awhile, story writing hasn't really been high up on my list of priorities lately and not surprisingly, I miss it. So the other night I started writing, it feels good to be writing something other than a song, refreshing really.

Alright so i must go food is becoming essential and my tummy is none to happy.

And remember; "Drive slow for the pedestrians"

thank you.


brit

Do a little dance....

Snoopy dance! I totally just figured out how to add friends! Boo Yeah! Take that smart, complicated world of blogger people who thought I would never figure it out!



I feel so accomplished. Like I should bow and have honor or something.

Brit

I love her! Take me instead!

Tonight is one of those nights.

You know the kind of night where you have almost successfully convinced yourself that your over it... over him but in all actuality the only person your really fooling is you.

Am I allowed to feel lonely?

Am I allowed to miss him?

I know I shouldn't I know if there was any sense in me I would never give the situation another thought. I try not to dwell in the past but it is so hard not to when I feel like that was my love story! That was the part of my life worth reading!

Don't get me wrong Jesus is amazing! He has done so many phenomenal things in my life just recently its insane! And I am not down playing that at all! But to a girl the love story is the whole book!

Oh wow.

I love how I can sit here and write and come to all these conclusions, by visually seeing the thoughts that are running through my mind, as they are put down on paper.

Check this.

What if I am missing something essential here?

We have all already established that love is just one chapter in a guys life but to a girl its the whole book. Yeah we get it but check this!

What if Adam wasn't my love story?

What if he was just a page in a book full of love stories????

I can honestly say that I am one hundred and fifty thousand percent in love with Jesus.

What if that's my book?

Than its true!! The love story is the whole book!

It has nothing to do with Adam! He was just a page, a page that still had Jesus written all over it.
Jesus is the love story, the part worth reading.

Oh wow. I kinda want to start this blog over to keep my twisted thought process from you but since we are all being honest here.


I still miss him and I am going to miss and I am going to love him and I am going to think about him and there is absolutely nothing abnormal or wrong about that! As long as I don't dwell on it, as long as I keep it in check and don't let it all consume me.

I am tired.

so tired.

all the time.

and part of me wishes so desperately that I could turn back time and stop him from leaving and the other part knows that it was for the best.


Once upon a time there was a girl. She was lost, broken and alone. Until a knight came, a beautiful knight dressed in white, He was blameless, sinless and perfect. He longed for the girl, desperately,longed to wrap her in His arms, hold her to His chest and take every fear, broken piece, and failure away.

But there was a clause the only way they could ever be together, the only way possible for Him to take away her pain was to face all her demons head on, to take them on as His own demons, to take them on as His own failures and He knew that in doing this He would die.

For the crimes that she had committed, the things that she had done, were punishable....

She had done so much wrong, no longer was she a beautiful maiden of the light but one full of dark, one who shrouded herself in despair.

Someone had to pay the price. Someone had to take the darkness away, someone had to cover her in beauty and light once again.

The glorious knight fled into battle for His beloved. Saving her.

He was blameless. He was the only one who could heal her, He was the only one who could save her from certain death and in saving her.... He gave up everything!

Because He loved her. Because all He longed for was to have her near. Because all He wanted was for her to love Him and follow Him in return.

He died so that she could truly, truly live.



That is our love story girls.

Every single one of us have a knight who said, "I will not allow my precious bride to bear these things! I will not allow my darling to suffer this! She is hurt and dying and she may not deserve it but all I want for her is blessings and life, all I want for her is to know me and love me. So here I am! Take me instead! I know that death is her punishment for the sins she has committed but I LOVE HER! I will not allow her to take on this punishment,someone must take it I understand. Someone must bare it! So take me instead!

Take me instead!"

Aren't you glad that you have a lover who stood up and yelled "I love her! Take me instead! She deserves this but I cannot bare to see my beautiful angel suffer it! Take me instead!"



Jesus, beautiful one, Savior, lover.


thank you.

Lets start with something simple...like... hello.

As I sit here, a blank page in front of me and a keyboard waiting to be used, I try to think of something profound and memorable to say but nothing comes.

Maybe starting a blog wasn't such a great idea... let me type about nothing for a moment and we will see if something comes of it.

My name is Brittany. I am 18 years old. I was raised in California but I did most of my growing up out here in Texas. I am the oldest of seven kids and I love it! My family is the ever present safety net below me ready and waiting to catch me if I fall. I have been blessed in so many ways unspeakable.

I am a Christian.

I believe that Jesus Christ came to this earth to live a sinless life and die for every one of us so that we might be redeemed and spend eternity with Him and the Father in Heaven.

I don't believe in religion, I HATE religion. I believe in a personal, passionate, intimate relationship with Christ.

I am not perfect. I sin and fall short everyday but that's where Jesus and forgiveness steps in.

My heart bleeds for this generation of outcasts and misfits, where no one belongs and everyone falls. This generation where no one believes in miracles and everyone is living together alone. We are waiting for a revelation to fall upon us and what most don't even realize is that one already has.

We look at impossibilities and see no solution. PEOPLE! Our God is a God of the impossible!

I have seen it in my life. I have seen it in others.

God is calling us forth to be "bold in broken places". He is calling us to "pour out our hearts again and again until we are called home." You might be the only Jesus someone ever meets. How will you represent Him?

The only thing worth talking about or sharing about in my life is Christ.

There....I think that's where I will leave it... I found profound.


Brittany